Heartbeats
by Holiday Latte
Summary: This fic takes place a few weeks before Lucas’ wedding to Lindsay. Peyton is trying to win Lucas back before it’s too late, but is there relationship too far gone to be salvaged?
1. Chapter 1

Heartbeats

Chapter 1: Don't Wait

_The sky glows_

_I see it shining when my eyes close_

_I hear your warnings but we both know_

_I'm gonna look at it again_

"P. Sawyer, what are you waiting for? We are going to be late picking up Jaime." Brooke stared at Peyton who was having trouble getting going this particular morning.

"Brooke, what if Lucas is there?"

"Oh honey, I thought you said you were over him. He's with Lindsay now."

"I know, but he kissed me. Or I kissed him…but if I kissed him he definitely kissed me back. It still exists."

"What still exists?"

"Everything. Walking into that kiss was like coming home for all the right reasons. It was safe, it was secure…it was like I never left." Tears started to well in her eyes, but she hastily brushed them away and feigned a faint smile. "I'll be okay. I don't really have a choice do I?" Brooke shook her head sympathetically.

"I don't know what to say," taking Peyton's hands in her own she held them to her heart, "If you can feel safe and secure, don't let it go. I really like Lindsay. I think she is a great person…"

"Brooke," Peyton interjected.

"No, wait, let me finish. She's a great person and I really want both her and Luke to be happy, but we all know that she's not you. And if you really want him, then you need to fight. Don't wait for him to make a move, you need to do it first."

"How can I? After we kissed and I thought I finally stood a chance, he freaking went and proposed to her! I love him, but I hate him so much for doing this too me." She didn't stop the tears this time. She closed her eyes and let them fall.

"Peyton, I can go get Jaime by myself if you want to stay here…"

"No, I need to get out of here."

When they arrived at Haley and Nathan's house, they both noticed Lucas' car instantly.

"Shit," Peyton breathed quietly. Brooke took her hand.

"Hey, It's going to be okay," Brooked tried to reassure her friend to no avail. "You can do this. Just take it slow." Peyton nodded.

"Okay, let's do this. Besides we are here because of Jaime, not Luke."

"Exactly!" Brooke laughed. The two of them walked into Haley and Nathan's calling out for Jaime. He came bounding down the stairs.

"Aunt Brooke and Aunt Peyton!! Are you here for me??" He squealed in delight.

"Yes we are little man. Today we are have an adventure, what do you say to that?" Brooke grinned at him.

"Yesssss! But only if I can wear my cape and only if Uncle Luke can come too."

"Oh well honey, I don't know if that's such…."

"No, hey it's fine," Peyton, said, and then turning to Brooke, "Really it'll be fine." Brooke shrugged. Then covering Jaime's ears yelled,

"Lucas Scott get your ass down here!" Uncovering Jaime's ears she asked him if he had heard any of that. Jaime shook his head. Brooke smiled, "Good, now go get that cape on." Jaime disappeared upstairs just as Lucas entered the room. "Hey Luke, do you want to join us on an adventure?"

"I really need to work on my book," he answered.

"Okay, that's fine. Jaime just really wanted you to come is all."

"Just Jaime?" Lucas asked staring at Peyton. What the hell did he want her to say? What the hell is his problem anyway? Frowning, she answered,

"And Brooke of course."

"And Peyton also," Brooked interjected nudging Peyton in the ribs.

"Yeah sure, why not. So what is this adventure anyway?"

"Hey, yeah, Brooke what is this adventure?" Peyton asked curiously. Brooke smiled mischievously and ran up the stair to get Jaime.

"Brooke!" Peyton and Lucas both yelled simultaneously.

"Oh please, you guys. We are just going for a walk. Not everything is a secret ploy to get you two back together you know," Brooke yelled from upstairs.

"Well this isn't going to be awkward," Luke said shifting his weight.

"Fuck you Luke," Peyton said turning on her heel. "Tell Brooke I'll be in the car." Running his hands through his hair he knew this would be a very long day. Brooke and Jaime bounded down the stairs.

"Hey, where's Peyton?"

"She's in the car. Hey Brooke I don't think it's such a good idea for me…"

"Hey this isn't about you. This," covering Jaime's ears, "is about Jaime. Not everything is about your love life." Uncovering Jaime's ears, "Did you hear that?" Jaime shook his head. "Good boy! Okay, let's get going!" After they all buckled in, Brooke started the car. They drove in silence for a while. Peyton put on some music when all of a sudden the car stopped. "Crap, we are out of gas. How'd I let that happen?"

"No biggie, there's a gas station like ten minutes down the road. I'll run over and get some." Lucas said.

"Great!" She winked at Jaime and nodded her head. A few minutes later Brooked looked in the back and noticed that Lucas had left his wallet. "Peyton, Lucas left his wallet. You better go give it to him or he won't be able to get any gas."

"What? Why me? No way, you do it."

"I can't…. it's my car. Besides I'm wearing heels," she replied holding the wallet out to Peyton.

"Fine," Peyton grumbled getting out of the car. Brooke looked back at Jaime.

"You were pretty sneaky little man. Lucas didn't even know you took his wallet. Now as a responsible adult I have to say that this was very wrong and we shouldn't do things like this."

"Yes, Aunt Brooke." Jaime replied grinning from ear to ear.

"Hey, Luke!" Peyton gasped running out of breath. Lucas turned around to see Peyton running towards him. "You forgot your wallet." She stopped, catching her breath. Lucas felt his pockets.

"Wow, I don't even know how that happened."

"Yeah, okay. I'm going to head back to the car," she said turning back.

"Peyton, why don't you just come with me to the gas station?" He saw Peyton stop.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she said as she continued back to the car. Luke ran his hand through his hair again.

"Peyton, I'm sorry." He saw Peyton stop again. This time sat on the side of the road, and put her head into her hands. He walked over to her. "Peyt…" Peyton put up a hand to stop him.

"Stay away," she whispered. Lucas cringed at the thought of hurting her. He kneeled next to her.

"I am so sorry. I don't know what else you want me to say," he pleaded. Fury ignited within her stomach. Standing up, she looked down at Lucas kneeling on the ground.

"You don't know what else I want you to say?! How about, I'm sorry for being such a fuck-up! I'm sorry for ripping your heart out and I'm sorry for deciding to marry someone else even though we don't belong together! Lucas I was there, I know what you felt and I know what I felt when we kissed."

"You don't know what I felt."

"Yes I do! You felt confliction. You remembered your regrets, and my mistakes. You felt fire and confusion. You felt pain, but most of all your felt me, needing you, needing every ounce of you." Luke stood so that he was facing Peyton.

"You are wrong. I didn't feel that." Lucas responded very quietly.

"Yes you did! Why are you so afraid to admit what you feel?!"

"Peyton, don't"

"No Luke, why are you afraid to admit that you still love me as much as I love you? Why can't you just admit that you still need me just as much as I need you?!"

"Because you'll fucking leave me again!" Luke shouted at her. Peyton blanched at his response.

"Luke…"

"You broke my heard Peyton. How am I supposed to trust you?"

"I never left you Luke! I just wasn't ready! I'm ready now!"

"It's too late," he said looking at her sadly.

"Not it's not," she replied pulling him into a deep kiss.

"Yes, Peyton it is," he breathed pushing her away.

_Don't wait, Don't wait_

_The road is now a sudden sea_

_And suddenly, you're deep enough_

_To lay your armor down_

"Luke, you need to forgive me. Please forgive me! I'm ready now. I'm standing here completely naked exposing my entire soul to you. Why can't you forgive me?!" Lucas had a pained expression on his face. "We have shared so much. We've shared so much more than you will ever share with anyone else." She looked at Luke awaiting a response. Not getting one, she continued on, "Do you want to know what I really felt when we kissed?" Lucas looked up at her. "I felt unbelievably sad, because I had waited too long and I had lost you. You were my best friend Luke. Turning your proposal down was the hardest thing I ever did. But somehow I thought you would understand. But I get it now and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you can't forgive me, but I can't force you to come back to me. I can't keep being rejected by the man I love. People make mistakes Luke. I know you feel like I rejected you, but I just wasn't ready. I made such a mess, I know, but why can't you forgive me?" Peyton's tears caused her to stop talking. Lucas tentatively stepped closer to her and wiped them away.

"You are so much of who I am, but I don't regret moving on." Peyton nodded silently turning in the opposite direction. Finally reaching the car, a concerned Brooke hopped out to console Peyton.

"What happened honey?" Brooked asked obviously concerned.

"I waited too long."

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P.S. I promise it'll get better with Luke and Peyton ;)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N It will get better

A/N It will get better. It's going to take a while before they realize how much they truly value each other, but they will get there 

Chapter 2: Stay Away

_Are you not the slightest bit confused?_

_Just the truth_

_The speed at which we move blends so well_

"Lucas, thank you so much for taking me to dinner," Lindsay smiled up at him.

"But of course my fair lady," Luke replied back.

"You know I never knew that there were places actually open this late at night."

"Well it's something that I assume you will learn now that you're living here," he told her.

"Yeah, but seriously it's one in the morning. I only thought Denny's and bars were open." Lindsay and Luke walked down the street holding hands. Lindsay leaned into him thinking of their future together. It was a cool and crisp evening, but Luke and Lindsay decided to leave the car at home and walk to and from the restaurant. "This town has a lot of charm. I really like it at night," looking up at Luke, "I love you," she whispered. Luke looked back at her and kissed her.

"Me too." As they neared the corner to turn onto the main road, they saw Peyton's car pull up.

_Separate yourself from what compels you to relinquish us_

_Push your way on to me, entirely_

_Stay away from me, stay away from me now_

_Less you gonna see, less you gonna see me out_

The music played loudly through her car and carried out onto the street. As she approached the green light she stopped.

"Hey, is that Peyton?" Lindsay asked looking up at Luke. Luke's stomach turned over.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Well she's stopped at a green light, we should go over and say hi," Lindsay commented stepping into the street. Lucas took her hand and pulled her back realizing what Peyton was doing. She didn't want to talk to them, she probably didn't even know they were standing lest than 50 feet away.

"I don't think that's such a great idea Linds," Lucas replied staring over at Peyton's car." As Lindsay was about to ask what he meant the light turned red. Without looking Peyton zoomed through the red light and continued down the street. Gazing down the street, Lucas could see Peyton stop again in the far off distance. He felt sick to his stomach. This was _his _fault.

"Well that was rude. I know you don't like thinking bad about Peyton, but she's been nothing but a fucking bitch since I've got here."

"We should just get home Linds," he replied not commenting on her last statement. They resumed hand holding and crossed the street.

Later that night, which was very early in the morning, Lucas leaned back in his chair. Words were coming to him at a very slow rate this night. He was conflicted as to how he should handle what he saw earlier. He didn't know if Peyton what Peyton was dealing with. He knew why Peyton used to run red lights. Why was she doing it again? Then it dawned on him all too suddenly. Sighing, he decided to talk to Haley about it in the morning.

"Peyton's running red lights? Why, Luke is Peyton running red lights?" Haley questioned Luke.

"I don't know if she wants people to know. I just need you to tell me whether or not I should confront her," Lucas asked. Haley reached out her hand and took it in hers.

"Luke, you already know the answer to that question. Just because you chose Lindsay over Peyton, that doesn't mean that Peyton isn't still your friend. Even if she doesn't think so anymore."

"Hales, is it possible…" Lucas wasn't sure he could complete the rest of his sentence. Haley patted his hand and shook her head.

"No Luke, it's really not. You can love two people at once, but you can't be_ in_ love with both of them," Haley responded sympathetically. Luke lowered his head, resigned.

"I know that. I've always known that."

"I wish I could help you chose, really I do. Just remember this. In the end when you are old and grey. When you look back at the choices you made in life, are you going to be okay with them?"

"I love you the most you know," he smiled at her. Haley stuck her ring finger at him.

"Another time and another place my love," they both laughed. Luke kissed her on the forehead and got up. He knew where he was heading now.

_No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad_

_To a song that's far less obvious_

_You using me, do it slowly_

_Make it last until I have to go_

Luke followed the music that was very softly playing to where Peyton was sitting. She heard him approach. Looking up at she she asked,

"What are you doing here? Are you here to see Keith??"

"No I didn't come today to see Keith. I just knew that I needed to be here… for you."

"Luke thank you, but you made it very clear that you don't want to be in my life. Please," she pleaded into his eyes, "just…stay away."

"Peyton," her said sitting next to her, "I'm really worried about you. I saw you last night, you know." Peyton looked up at him scared.

"What time?"

"The time when you were running all of those red lights and getting away with it. Do you think your mom would want to see you like this?" When Peyton didn't respond he continued, "Peyton, I know what today is, and I know why you are here."

"Lucas, you don't know anything. You don't know-anything." Peyton whispered a good-bye to her mother's grave, and stood to leave. Lucas grabbed her hand. Peyton shook it loose. "Stay away." Getting in her car, she drove off.

"Well that went well," he said out loud to himself. He decided to visit Keith. Kneeling by his grave he asked Keith, "what should I do? Keith, who should I spend the rest of my life with?" Sitting on the grass he ran his hands through is hair and shook them roughly. "You would really like Lindsay. She's smart and she's funny. She made life bearable when Peyton and I broke up. I know you would love her. But I already know that you love Peyton. Peyton's soul…it's deep man. Sometimes when I look into her eyes I wonder what she's thinking. I always know what's going on with Lindsay. I take comfort in that I suppose. Everything is so messed up. I wish you…" he faltered wiping a tear from his eye, "I miss you," he sat there in silence for a while. "I miss the way it used to be. Keith, if you could see the person Peyton is becoming… she's taking charge and she's following her dream, but she's self-destructing. I know a lot of it has to do with me. I can't help but still feel protective over…"

"Luke," Peyton whispered putting a hand on his shoulder. Luke jumped up running a hand over his face brushing off any lingering emotion.

"Hey," he said.

"Lucas Scott, I love you. That will never change."

"Peyt,"

"No let me finish. I'm always going to love you. You were my first real love, but the love I have for you has become ugly. It's made me feel things and do things that I'm not proud of. It's made me act like a bitch and it's made me out to be someone that I'm not. I'm not the girl you fell in love with Luke. I realize that now."

"Peyton, Haley said that I can't be in love with two people at once."

"I believe that. I also believe that you still love me, and on some level you will always love me. Maybe it's just the timing. We've never really had the best timing. But we have always managed find each other in the end. You…" she stopped talking for a moment to stifle her tears, "are my soul mate. You know my soul inside and out," she said crying huge tears.

"I love your soul Peyton…"

"I know you do. I love yours too. That's why you need to stay away. Because it hurts too much. Seeing you and not being with you…it hurts too much," she turned away from him to wipe away her tear stained face. Turning back she said, "I would never want to hurt you. I know I did and I have to live with that. I have to live with the fact that my biggest regret has consumed my entire being. I want you to be happy, I just wish you wanted to be happy with me and not Lindsay." Peyton looked into his eyes and smiled through her tears. "I'm sorry if I scared you last night." Peyton turned around and walked back to her car for a second time.

"Peyton!" He called out to her loudly. Peyton turned her head back. "Is this it for us?" Peyton nodded her head somberly, and then got in her car and drove off.

"Haley!" Peyton cried out when Haley opened the door of her house.

"Peyton? What's wrong? Come in," Haley invited.

"Wh…wh…why did you…why did you tell Lucas that he can't be in love with two people?"

"Oh sweetie. Peyton I told him that because it's true."

"Why doesn't he love me?" Haley stepped back and looked Peyton in the eye.

"Peyton he does love you. He is in love with you he just doesn't want to take that risk. You need to understand that he might never be ready to take that risk with you again."

"You're right. Love doesn't conquer everything."

The next day at the river court, Luke was playing a game of basketball with Jaime.

"Jaime shoots and he," picking Jaime up so that Jaime could dunk the ball," SCORES! The crowd goes wild!" Jaime ran around whooping up the pretend crowd.

"Uncle Luke that was a lot of fun," Jaime smiled.

"For you…I'm the one that lost to a tot," Luke replied

"It's okay don't beat yourself up over it, I'll let you win next time!"

"Thanks, buddy."

"No problem Uncle Luke."

"Hey," Luke said to Jaime propping him in his lap, "can I tell you a secret?" Jaime nodded enthusiastically. Luke whispered something into Jaime's ear.

"I don't get it," Jaime pouted. Luke stood up and and tousled Jaime's hair.

"No worries, someday you will," he smirked, shooting the ball into the basket smoothly.

"Hey you're getting better Uncle Lucas!"

"Yes I am little man. Yes I am."

Later that night Haley was putting Jaime to bed.

"Did you have a fun afternoon with Uncle Luke?"

"Yeah, I beat him at basketball."

"Wow, that's pretty cool, huh?"

"Oh yeah I'm so cool!"

"You totally are Jaime," Haley laughed tucking him in. As she was stepping out to turn off the light, Jaime asked,

"Mommy, what's arisk?

"Hmm," she said sitting back down on the side of his bed, "I don't think that's a real word, why?" Jaime shrugged,

"Uncle Luke said he was thinking of taking arisk, and I don't get it. Is it good? Or is it bad like when I don't eat my peas and daddy gives me…the look."

"I'm not sure. But I promise to let you know."

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	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Naïve

Chapter 3: Naïve

_I'm not saying it was your fault_

_Although you could have done more_

_Oh you're so naive yet so…_

"Alright men of this household. It's dinner time," Haley called out to her family. Jaime came bouncing in followed by Nathan."

"Mommy," he said pulling on her shirt, "can we have ice creeeeeam for dinner?" Haley smiled down at him and gave him a hug.

"Absolutely not," she giggled into his ear, "nice try though." They all sat down at the table.

"So what does it mean?" Nathan questioned Haley as they ate their dinner.

"It means…I don't know it means that Luke's going to take "arisk"."

"Yeah but with Lindsay or Peyton?"

"Well I have to think it's Peyton, I meant I've really been thinking it's Peyton but maybe you're right. Maybe the risk is not getting back together with Peyton. All I know is that Luke," Haley lowered her voice and spelled, "k.i.s.s.e.d Peyton. He needs to tell Lindsay. Ughh I dislike lying and I dislike all of this drama. It's giving me a stomachache.

"Me too!" Jaime chimed in, "I think I can't eat anymore."

"Well that's funny," Haley mentioned looking at his plate, "you seem to have no problem snarfing down the chicken and pasta…but look at all of those lonely peas left on your plate."

"Well they have tummy aches and now I have one too!"

"You better give him the eye Nate," Haley whispered to her husband. Nathan smirked.

"Jaime, I think you should eat those peas."

"Why?" Jaime asked innocently looking up at his dad. Nathan stared him down giving him "the eye". Jaime looked a little bit frightened, when the door opened.

"Yo Scotts! Skills the babysitter is present and accounted for."

"Uncle Skills! Help me!" Jaime called to Skills.

"What's the matter little man?" Skills asked Jaime entering the dining room.

"Daddy is scaring the peas and giving me the eye!" Skills turned to Nathan,

"Let me see this scary eye thing. I don't buy it."

"Okay, okay," Haley directed standing up, "This has been fun but your daddy and I have a movie that starts in half an hour. Jaime," she said looking in his eyes, "You be really good for Uncle Skills, okay?" Jaime nodded his head in agreement. Looking up at Skills Haley mentioned that Peyton would be stopping by later to get some music for Mia.

After Haley and Nathan left, Jaime looked sadly up at Skills.

"Uncle Skills, do I have to eat these peas?" He asked giving him the puppy-dog eyes. Skills picked up his plate and "accidentally" dumped the peas into the garbage.

"Well I don't know little man. You are welcome to go garbage dipping, but I think we should eat some ice cream."

"Yay yay yay!!" Jaime hopped up and gave Skills a hug.

"It's a damn shame making a kid eat peas," Skills looking for ice cream in the freezer. "Now, tell me more about this evil eye…" Just as Jaime was about to answer the doorbell rang. "Hmm, must be Peyton," he said. Opening the door he discovered that it was Luke. "Hey man, what's happening?"

"Hey Skills," Lucas greeted clapping him on the shoulder. "Is Haley here? I need to talk with her."

"Nah man, she's out with the lesser half. Want some ice cream though? Jaime and I have decided that peas are not an option tonight." Lucas smiled,

"They hide the really good stuff on the bottom shelf behind the frozen broccoli." Just then Skills' cell phone rang. Picking it up, he heard Mouth talking somewhat frantically into the phone.

"Oh man, tell me they didn't jack the guitar hero," He said faintly. "Awww man…yeah hold up," he put the phone down and looked at Luke, "Yo man our apartment got jacked. Can take care of Jaime? I need to get back and describe the stuff that's missing to the police."

"No problem."

"Okay Mouth, I'll be back in a bit," he replied hanging up the phone. "Man! Not the guitar hero!" he moaned walking out the door. Luke looked at Jaime and smiled.

"Okay close your eyes and I will deliver a big surprise." Jaime covered his eyes and Luke reached into the freezer and pulled out a quart of double chocolate fudge. Jaime opened his eyes and gasped in excitement. Just then the doorbell rang again.

"I'll get it!" Jaime yelled, but Luke stopped him.

"Better let me," he said walking to the door. He opened it to discover Peyton.

"Hey," she greeted not looking him in the eyes. "Is Haley here? She has some music for Mia." Luke replied,

"No she and Nate went out, but I'm sure she left the music for you." He opened the door further inviting her in.

"You know, I can just come back later…"

"Aunt Peyton!" Jaime yelled running over grabbing her hand. "Come with me, you can scoop the ice cream. Just make sure you give me the mostest!"

"Oh honey, I have to go," Jaime looked defeated, and hung his head low.

"Come on Peyt. One bowl? Besides I'm no good at scooping," Luke said. Peyton agreed. She scooped the ice cream into three bowls. "We better eat this in the dining room. You parents would kill me if we got chocolate anywhere." Sitting down at the table, Jaime was the first to dig in. They ate in silence; the only sounds were the loud "slurpings" that Jaime was making. Seeing Jaime licking his bowl clean, she stood and said,

"Hey buddy why don't you help me do the dishes and Uncle Luke can go run you a bath." Luke nodded and headed upstairs grateful to remove himself from the awkward situation. Peyton and Jaime carried the bowls into the kitchen. As she was washing them, Jaime pulled on her shirt. "Yeah hon?"

"Aunt Peyton, I have a secret to tell you."

"Um okay?"

"Well Uncle Luke told me a secret and I don't get it. I told mommy and she didn't know either. Then I think mommy told daddy and I don't think daddy knew either."

"Wow, this sounds like a good secret," she smiled down at him. What is it?"

"Uncle Luke...is going to arisk!" He said looking up at her with wide eyes.

"Oh…kay."

"Do you know what it means?" Peyton shook her head.

"Sorry buddy, I don't." Frustrated Jaime went upstairs to go take his bath. Reaching the bathroom he asked Luke,

"Uncle Luke, why doesn't anyone understand your secret?"

"What?" Luke asked looking at Jaime carefully.

"Well when I told mommy your secret she didn't know what it meant. And then Peyton didn't know either."

"You told Peyton?!"

"Yeah but she didn't know what it was. Do you know?"

"Hey Jamie…do you know what a secret is?" Luke asked as Jaime undressed and got into the tub,

"Ummm something you whisper?"

"Yes it's that but you shouldn't have told anyone my secret."

"Yeah but you didn't _say_ I shouldn't tell anyone. You just told me a secret."

"Fair enough little man. Fair enough. But from now on let's keep this secret on the low down…"

"Or…"Jaime said excitedly…"we could keep in on the DL."

"You hang out too much with Skills little man," Luke smiled. "Now keep the door open, and I'll check on you in a minute."

"Okay," Jaime replied playing happily with his bubbles. Lucas went downstairs to talk to Peyton who was just finishing up the dishes.  
"Hey Lucas," she said slyly.

"Hey," he replied confused.

"So…Jaime just told me your huge secret."

"Look Peyton, I told Jaime that secret and I… you know it's not set in stone. It's just something that I'm thinking of. You know I'm not even sure that you know what it means."

"Luke, calm down."

"It's just that I don't want you to think…"

"Luke, I don't care where you go."

"What?"

"Actually I don't even know where arisk is. Are you sure Jaime heard you properly?"

"What did he tell you?"

"He said that you were going to arisk."

"Oh," Luke said in disbelief, not believing that one little word could… "Hey Peyton?" Luke looked up at her searching for words.

"You know, I better go check on Jaime," Peyton said cutting him off.

"Oh, okay." Peyton went upstairs, took Jaime out of the tub, and wrapped him up in a big fluffy towel.

"Aunt Peyton I'm sorry that I told you that Luke wanted to take arisk. I didn't know that I wasn't 'sposed to tell you. But he got a little bit mad when I told him I told you." Peyton looked at him while drying his hair with the towel.

"Wait, did Uncle Luke say that he wanted to go to a risk, or did he say that he wanted to take a risk?"

"Ummm…take. Is it a food? It is good food?"

"I don't think so…I'm not sure"

"Why doesn't anybody get what it is?"

"You know what, I think it means that Uncle Lucas is going to make some changes in his life. But I don't know what the changes are." Then Peyton remembered what Lucas had said. He must have thought she knew the real secret when he told her. He wasn't going to take a risk on her. How could she have been so stupid? She wanted to scream and she wanted to cry. She felt like she didn't belong in her own skin. "Okay honey, let's get your jammies on and hop into bed. Uncle Lucas will be up to read you a story soon. Jaime disappeared into his bedroom and Peyton went downstairs to confront Lucas. As she came down Lucas said,

"Hey I found that music Haley left you. You're so Naïve."

"Excuse me? Luke I may be many things. But one thing that I am no longer is naïve. I used to be naïve. I used to think that you would realize how much you love me in spite of everything and you would chose me. You," she said grabbing the music out of his hand, "would love me again."

"Peyton, I meant the song. That's the name of the song."

"Oh," she said quietly.

"You," he said, "have never been naïve when it comes to us. And you will never be naïve about us," he looked her deeply in the eyes.

"Luke what are you say…"

"Uncle Lucas! Booooooooooook!" Luke looked at Peyton wanting to say more. Instead he ran upstairs to Jaime. Peyton let herself out and got into her car. She didn't know what to think. But one thing she had as she drove home was a small glimmer of hope. Hope that she would finally be whole with the man that she loved. As she pulled into her driveway she smiled brightly…for the first time since she said no.

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	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The Funeral

Chapter 4: The Funeral

_I'm coming up only to hold you under_

_I'm coming up only to show you wrong_

_And to know you is hard and we wonder_

_To know you all wrong, we were_

"So Lucas, we've been meeting for almost a month now. Ever since Peyton came back to Tree Hill. You've said to me that you're conflicted and that you feel that a choice needs to be made, but you are unable to do so."

"Pretty much. I don't want to string Lindsay along if she isn't the right one for me. But I don't want to go back to Peyton knowing that we are unstable. It's not that if I choose Lindsay it would be because of the instability and not knowing between me and Peyton, it's just that happens to be one of the bigger issues with Peyton and I currently."

"Listen Lucas, I know you want me to help you chose. In fact you probably want me to choose for you," she said laughing, "but the thing is, I can't. These past few weeks you keep saying that you don't know what to do anymore. You don't know whom to choose. The purpose of our sessions is to help you better understand yourself and what _you_ are feeling. You avoid your emotions Lucas. You need to confront them. Last week you told me that you finally told Peyton that you were afraid that she'd leave you again if you chose her. Do you remember that?"

"What I remember, is the expression on her face when I said that."

"If Peyton loves you. She's not going to break because of your honesty. You cannot have a relationship based on lies. You need to communicate your feelings and you need to be true to yourself. If you aren't, you'll only have regrets. If you choose Lindsay because you're afraid of what might happen with Peyton, then you aren't being fair to yourself."

"This is hard. It's just really hard."

"When you walked in here this morning, do you know the first thing I asked you?"

"Uh, how are you feeling today?"

"Yes, and do you know what your answer was?"

"Yeah. I told you that I ambiguously told Peyton that there might be hope for us, and I didn't want to lead her on."

"Exactly. But what did I ask you?"

"You asked me how I'm feeling."

"Right, and you didn't tell me. You told me what you were thinking. In Psychology there are many models of behavior. One in specific deals with thinking vs. feeling. You have never really told me what you feel. Instead you answer the question with your thoughts. Your behavior is a direct effect of what you are feeling. But if you can't express what you're feeling than your behavior will reflect that. So Lucas Scott, how are you feeling today?" Lucas paused to think about the question. After a minute he replied,

"I'm sad."

"Good. What are you sad about?"

"I'm sad that I feel that I can't trust Peyton anymore."

"Okay good, what else?"

"I'm angry, because I feel that Peyton has turned our love into something less pure than what it once was."

"Keep going Lucas, what else?"

"I'm scared," he said confused.

"Why are you scared?"

"I don't know, I didn't mean to say that."

"You did. Just take a hold of the emotion. Where do you feel it in your body? Close your eyes and tell me where the fear is." Lucas closed his eyes and then opened them.

"My chest. In my heart. It's constricted."

"Is there anything right now in this room, this day that is making you scared?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Then this emotion is old. A lot of the times we might feel something without understanding the cause. If we find the cause, we can heal the cause. Then we can heal the emotion. Lucas, think about where this emotion is coming from. When did you feel it last?" Lucas stared into space. All of a sudden he was catapulted back to the memory.

"I felt it when I proposed to her. I knew I shouldn't have."

"When you proposed to who?"

"Peyton. I should never have proposed to Peyton."

Peyton and Brooke were having coffee in town.

"So he really said that you weren't naïve?"

"Yeah, but what does that mean anyway?" Peyton asked sipping her coffee.

"Umm hello! P. Sawyer you know very well what it means."

"Actually I don't. Luke's been really ambiguous lately. Ever since we kissed he's not been acting like the Luke we used to know."

"Oh honey, he's just getting older. He's had to make some serious decisions lately you know."

"Ughh, don't remind me of his proposal to that snarky editor."

"Hmm, didn't know you were British," a voice appeared behind her. Peyton turned around to see Lindsay standing behind them.

"Oh Lindsay, fuck. I…"

"Brooke how is _my _wedding gown coming?" Brooke choked a bit on her coffee.

"G…good. Just great. No worries."

"Great. Well I'll be talking to you later. Hey Peyton, anything you'd like me to tell Lucas?"

"No," she replied quietly. They watched as Lindsay strode off. Looking at Brooke she commented, "Woops."

"Yup…I think woops pretty much summarizes that conversation entirely." Brooked smiled and patted Peyton's hand. "Don't worry. She just thinks you're a bitch."

"I kinda am lately."

"Yeah, but we all know it's just a phase," she laughed. The girls resumed their drinking and continued chatting about their lives.

_At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral_

_At every occasion once more is called a funeral_

_Every occasion I'm ready for the funeral_

_At every occasion one brilliant day funeral_

"So why do you think it was a mistake to propose to Peyton?"

"Well that's a loaded question."

"We have time."

"Okay, well…I guess because I knew that she would say no. That's at least why I was scared. We hadn't been together, I mean really together soulfully in a while. I really just wanted her to come back to me. I mean I really did want to marry her, but almost more than that I just wanted her to come back with me. I figure proposing was the way to make that happen. Wow. I didn't even realize that until just now."

"Lucas, that's what therapy is for. Now answer me this," the therapist asked carefully, "who is Peyton now to you?"

"At this very moment?"

"Yes at this very moment. Who is she to Lucas Scott, fiancé of Lindsay?"

"She's the other woman."

"Okay, more than that. Who is she personality wise?"

"She's different. I think she's broken too. Broken because I left her, the same way that I'm broken. I think that has made her angry. She's been so harsh. She's even been snarky to the point…"

"I'm sorry? Snarky? That's an interesting choice of words."

"Oh, no, not really. It's just a word Peyton and I used to say to describe certain people. It was in a British TV show or something."

"Interesting. Continue,"

"Anyway, she's been so short tempered lately. Everything sets her off. I feel it's because of me. I know it's because of me. But I just can't…" Lucas paused not sure where his sentence was going.

"What can't you do Lucas?"

"I can help her. I can fix her problems."

"Why not?"

"Because, I don't like the person she is right now. I miss the old Peyton. The one who was independent and so crazy unique and radical. She was everything I never expected myself to want. I always thought I'd want a girl like Lindsay. I love girls like Lindsay. But Peyton, she isn't like any of those girls. She's like the counterpart of my soul. She says that we're soul mates. Do you believe in soul mates?"

"I do Lucas. However, soul mates aren't always destined to be together in the romantic sense. Many people I've worked with have realized that their soul mates are only meant to be their friend."

"I don't know. I do believe she's my soul mate. I just can't get over this fear of rejection, this uncertainty."

"Finally!" She smiled at him. He looked puzzled. "Lucas, repeat to me what you just said." Lucas didn't know where this was going but he complied.

"I believe that she is my soul mate. But there's all this fear I have."

"So basically you love Peyton, and if you were able to get over this fear, then you would want to be with her?" Lucas looked at her shocked.

"Yes."

"So my dear P. Sawyer, what do you think we should do today?" Brooke asked Peyton as they recycled their coffee cups.

"Let's," Peyton feigned enthusiasm, "go home and cry."

"Pfft. Peyton my love, you are such a mope."

"I know. I need to move on. I need to remove myself from the situation."

"Wait, you don't mean…"

"Leave Tree Hill? I don't know. Maybe. I don't think so though. I have you and my label. I think things are finally taking off. Maybe Luke will move when he marries Snarky face."

"Hey," Brooked whispered, "She could be anywhere!" she smiled. They laughed and continued down the street.

_I'm coming up only to show you down for_

_I'm coming up only to show you wrong_

_To the outside, the dead leaves, they all blow _

_For'e they died had trees to hang their hope_

"Lucas if what you are saying is your honest self, then let's focus on healing your pain."

"I wouldn't know how."

"Well you need to let go of the pain. A lot of people benefit from some sort of ceremonial aspect. Think of it as when your Uncle Keith died. How did you grieve?"

"Well we had the funeral, and then we just grieved I guess."

"That's what funerals are really for you know. To pay tribute to the person who died, but they ignite the grieving process. You need to grieve properly over the loss of your relationship with Peyton. Only then will you be able to forgive her and move on."

"Are you honestly telling me that I need to have a funeral for that?"

"Not in the literal sense. You need to find something that you can "bury" and let go of. A picture, or a physical memory. Even a letter would help. All I mean is that if you can let go of this fear and this anger and this sadness, you can finally accept and forgive. You will never be true to anyone if you can't forgive. I think that's all the time we have for today. Same time next week?"

"Yes, thanks."

"No problem. And good luck. I look forward to our session next week."

Lucas walked out of the therapist's office feeling good, but there was a feeling of surrealism that surrounded him as well. He did want to be with Peyton, but how was he supposed to grieve for her? He thought intently about it on the way home. It was a couple of blocks before his house that he realized what he needed to do. He quickly drove home and got on his computer. Typing up his letter, he finished and printed it. Getting back into his car he headed to the cemetery. As he drove down the road he saw Brooke and Peyton.

"Hey!" they called out to him. He pulled over and parked. He hastily put the letter in his pocket.

"Hey back," he grinned.

"What are you so happy about Mr. Scott?" Brooked asked.

"Umm, I don't know. Do I look happy?"

"Yeah you do," Peyton said quietly. Luke looked at Peyton wanting to confess everything right then and there, but he restrained himself.

"Well, P. Sawyer and I were just about to go to a move. Fancy a flick?" Luke didn't know. On one hand he really wanted to "grieve" but on the other hand, he felt that maybe he was rushing this.

"Okay, yeah. What movie?"

"PS I love you!" Brooked exclaimed.

"What?" Peyton looked at her in disbelief. "Are you kidding me?" she said shivering from the wind. Without thinking Luke instinctively gave her his jacket.

"What's wrong with it? Hillary Swank post million dollar baby!" she continued excitedly. Peyton looked as if she was going to vomit.

"Why the fuck would I want to see a movie like that with Lucas? Do you even realize?"

"Oh my God. Peyton, I'm so sorr…" But Peyton had already stormed off in the other direction. "How could I be so stupid?" She asked Luke.

"Brooke it's really okay. It's really really okay."

"Okay, but I think she should have stayed. The way she left was a bit snarky." Luke looked at her.

"Why did you say that?"

"What? I just didn't want her to go…"

"No, I mean snarky."

"Oh, no reason, Peyton used it earlier."

"I've got to go."

"Where are you going?"

"I have to go to a funeral." Luke headed back to his car and drove to the cemetery. When he arrived, he stepped out of the car and walked over to Peyton's mother's gravestone. Reaching into his pocket, he realized that the letter wasn't in his pant's pocket…it was in his jacket pocket.

"Oh fuck me," he said softly.

"Not nice to swear in front of the dead you know," Peyton smiled at him.

"Did you read it?" Peyton shook her head.

"Wasn't addressed to me Luke. It was addressed to my mom." She handed it over.

"It's a letter," he said dumbly. Peyton nodded her head.

"I noticed. Do you want to read it aloud?"

"I think I do." He responded. They both sat down, and Luke unfolded the letter.

_Mrs. Sawyer,_

_Today I came to a realization. Today I had a breakthrough discovery. It may sound obtuse, but it's not. I realized that I'm angry. I'm furious. I'm extremely irritated with your daughter. She broke my heart. However, I'm more upset with the fact that I broke hers. I shouldn't have pushed. I shouldn't have left. I have all these regrets, and because of that, I have all of these fears. I fear that Peyton will let me down again. I fear that I'll let Peyton down again. I'm afraid that we will never know the love we used to share. I'm afraid that I'll never get a chance to tell Peyton how much I love her soul._

_She came to visit you recently. I imagine she was telling you how upset she was over the fact that she had turned into something that wasn't true to who she was. You don't need to worry though. She'll get better. I'll see to it. This letter is supposed to help me grieve. My therapist thinks that I need to grieve over my relationship with Peyton. The relationship that we once had, and then lost. For a long time I wasn't able to do this. I buried my emotions and I moved on, or at least I thought I did. I also thought that Peyton was a risk. I thought that I needed to take a risk on her again. But she's not a risk. I cannot express how sorry I am for thinking that our love would be a risk. Peyton and I had a love so pure and so deep that to think experiencing something like that with her again was a risk…well I'm sorry for that. _

Luke reached over and took Peyton's hand. He squeezed it tightly, bracing her for what was coming next.

_There is this girl that I fell in love with. Her name is Lindsay and I am engaged to her. I do love Lindsay. I let myself believe that my love for her was stronger than my love for Peyton. This caused a great deal of confliction. How do you choose? Peyton didn't understand this. She didn't understand how hard it was to choose. Because of that I was too angry to decide. She pushed me away without even knowing it all over again. The night we kissed, I realized that I didn't want to go down that path again. Peyton was right. That kiss reminded me of my mistakes and my regrets. I chose the better path. It wasn't the better path though; it was the easier path. The truth is, I didn't like the person that Peyton had become. I didn't like it, because I had partly created the new person that she was. _

_I miss her. I miss the feeling of completeness. I miss…being happy. I think though that our love is strong enough that we can start over. We can start fresh. I'm not scared about choosing her anymore, but I'm afraid that she won't want me back. I love your daughter-heart and soul. What Peyton and I once had is over though. I want to properly bury it. I want to take all my negative emotions and bury them with the past. I want to start anew. _

Lucas turned to Peyton. He took his thumb and brushed her silent tears away.

"I'm so sorry baby," he whispered, looking her in the eyes. He took her hand and brought it to his heart. "Do you feel that?" he asked. She nodded gently, letting the tears wash over her face. He leaned in closer. "It's my heart, and Peyton," he whispered in her ear, "it only beats for you."

To Be Continued….

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